The Sandwich Sitter


There’s a girl at school, and she likes PB& J, but not just ordinary PB& J. When she was little, she used to sit on her sandwiches for delicatessen effect.

Then there was Britney Spears.

One of Sandwich Girl’s friends met Britney Spears, and this friend reported the sandwich-sitting atrocity. To which Spears responded, “That’s toxic.”


Lost in a Mall in Maine


I saw the cake. It could only mean one thing: Lena was home.

She cooks all the time and watches the Food Network, constantly baking delicious challah breads that few can resist. In fact, Lena is such a foodie that when we saw the movie, Chef, she recognized a real food trucker during the credits.

While Lena is still young (a few years out of college), she is wise. But she wasn’t always.

Back in the day, during middle-school-Halloween shopping, she got lost in our town’s one-story mall. She ran to the front desk and got two security guards to escort her while her mom shopped at Sears.

Now, you must understand, this mall is tiny. Here’s an example: no Forever 21. (I know.)

When Lena got lost, she was searching for flip flops for some exquisite costume. So why was she at Pretzel Time?

I think there’s a lesson in every story, or maybe I think that’s bullshit. But at least there’s a lesson here: Macy’s.



I was at the beach eating chocolate ice cream, when the sun turned to storm. I witnessed the whole shebang–rain, hail, thunder, and lightning.

Zeus descended from the clouds. “Dear civilians, and more specifically, the girl eating sundaes by the lake, I have descended to the earth to deliver a message from your mother.”

What? I knew Mom was on vacation in Florence, but still, why did she have to get a Greek god on duty to dispatch the grocery list?

“I know you were enjoying the sundae,” Zeus said, “but I have to inform you of something drastic. You might have assumed that your chocolate sundae was between 100 and 200 calories, but in actuality, it’s 250. Have a good day. Mom loves you.”

Beach Blues


Before we flee for the

Beach, we turn on the

AC, and the cat is


I want to play all

Day at the beach,

But I forgot my



Mom brought soup,

But no one eats it.

Too gross, too

Hot. So we eat

Hot dogs in the Beach

Parking lot while

Mother sets up lawn chairs.


We watch kiddos

In life jackets float

In the water.


We sit there in our

Chairs with beach books ’til

We change into our bikinis.


And then we realized,

We can’t swim:

We forgot to wax.


I Can Cry if I Want To


Last year was my first year of college, and I needed to insure that my birthday wouldn’t be a flop. I needed to know that I wouldn’t cry all alone in a corner.

So what did my mom do?

She put lots of money on my debit card, and I took some friends to an Indian restaurant, all expenses paid by me, or my mom. There. Instant friends. Instant birthday. Instant smile.

Now that sounds like a quick recipe for success, right? Wrong. There’s more to it.

One friend lied to me and somehow got me into her room thinking she needed to retrieve her computer before we headed to the library.

When we opened the door, there were a bunch of friends gathered, all singing, all with a card, all with a cake that they bought from the bistro.

Best birthday ever.

Do Re Me


I joined the pit band for a college production two weeks before the show.

What I learned from that experience, apart from musical technicalities and how to turn on a stand light, was that I wanted to be up on stage.

I’ve done a lot of acting, but not so much singing. And to be in a musical, you have to sing. So I started taking singing lessons, and I’m lovin’ it.